Monday, October 12, 2009

Umm, Who the Hell is This?

The Today show has this concert series where lame performers come out to send adorning fans into a tizzy while working through some lame hit. Today's performer was Jason Bieber, which I misheard as "Jason Beaver." I had never heard of this tween idol, but there he was, dressed in a jaunty scarf, just waiting to go out to the screams of thirteen-year-old girls who were probably feeling those first longings for the showerhead.

Bieber, who was apparently discovered on YouTube (another one), sung "One Time" while dancing and trying to look kinda tough. He may have been lip synching, too, as the song the show played back after he left the stage sounded exactly like what he had just sung.

Bieber, who wants to remember where he's from (Canada, of course), then sang "Lonely Girl." Again with the showerhead hopes. This song actually sounded like he was singing, and to "black" it up, there was some DJ scratching.

Cut to a startling number of girls in braces holding up one finger and singing along. Girls are pulled from the crowd and put on stools on the stage as props. He makes his way around them, wrapping his arm around their shoulders. They express their love for him. He puts his head against one of them, and you can feel the jealousy coming off the crowd in waves.

This young lad, who tries to appear tough, but sensitive, is about as threatening as a CBS sitcom. That's why the young girls love him, as do their parents. Yeah, he's got some weird "urban" moves, but he doesn't look like a rapist, unlike Rob Zombie or Bono.

One of the girls on the stage keeps trying to talk to him. I think she's saying, "I love you. I'm your number one fan." Bieber doesn't miss a beat. He's new, but he's still a pro ... a YouTube pro. One silly girl with stylish hair won't throw him off his game, even though I bet she goes home feeling lonely even if she has a boyfriend.

I'll admit that I don't keep an eye on many teen sensations. I'm no Lou Pearlman-like pedophile. And when Bieber takes the stage for a third time, sitting on one of those stools and strumming an acoustic guitar (I hate when guys play an acoustic guitar -- nothing good comes of it), I still can't see his cheap appeal.

He's young. I suppose you could consider him cute. His songs are syrup-lite, and for a 15 year-old he seems to be mature (and still not threatening). So I could see why the girls like him. But why did this guy get CD? What made him stand out over every other performer who sounds like this (and there are thousands)? What makes this guy "the one"?

I can only think that it is lack of standards. If it looks good and sounds semi-decent, we can market it, pump it out there and make him a teen sensation so that we can put out a debut CD that sells, get our money and wait for the next "big thing." Bieber, like so many before him is product. He moves units. He is nothing more than a shill, and he doesn't know it. Hell, the young female fans probably have a better grasp on his future than he does.

I think three years from now nobody will remember this guy. I know it's been five minutes since I last heard his "angelic" voice and I can't remember a single lyric.

Jason Beaver who?


  1. "...feeling those first longings for the showerhead."

    I pray for you, Doug, I really do.


  2. Isn't his name Justin?