Thursday, October 8, 2009

You Down With ICP?

You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a band by its fans. Nowhere is this more true than with the Insane Clown Posse. I don't listen to the band, have heard very few songs, and don't really care to. What I've heard sucks for all the reasons you would imagine. Regardless, I've found that the majority of the act's fans fall into two camps.

The first camp is the fifteen-year-old males and the males who never matured past fifteen. These are guys who paint their faces, drink Faygo (because they are told to by the band) and who love songs like "I Stuck Her With My Wang." "I Stuck Her With My Wang" is a classic on par with Lennon's "Imagine," though as you can imagine the message isn't quite the same.

"I stuck her with my wang
She hit me in the balls
I grabbed her by her neck
And I bounced her off the walls
She said it was an accident and then apologized
But I still took my elbow and blackened both her eyes"

Men who have never matured past 15 find this stuff hilarious. No wonder they love ICP so much! The band appeals to the stunted male's most primal urges. Wang stickin' and eye blackenin'. It don't get much better than that if you are 15, don't know what you want to do with your life, and have no real prospects. Which brings us to the other camp.

The other camp is thirtysomething men. They have grown up ... kinda. They either live with their girlfriend (who is inevitably kind of hideous), who is the bread winner; or they live with their mothers, who always seem to be disabled (usually due to obesity). If these men have a job (big "if" as they need a job where they can wear their ICP shirts like a true jugaloo who is busy sticking his wang in "nasty motherfuckin noodle-stank booty-wack bitches"), it is usually not of the professional variety. Professional line chef or something, maybe, but it is doubtful an ICP fan will be performing your skin grafts.

It doesn't take a fucking genius to see this band's a joke. Always being in the shadow of fellow Detroit musician Eminem will eventually have some adverse affect upon your "art." What stuns me is that anyone takes them seriously (and ICP fans take the band very seriously). How can you not get the joke? In what universe would this be serious?

It's nice that the band wants to appeal to moronic, directionless males with mommy issues, but that really limits its audience. It should also be targeting fourteen-year-olds whose sole sexually experience was seeing porn on the net and guys who live in their cars. So much potential wasted. Hey, maybe Vanilla Ice can spare a few fans.

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